The picture is of my mom, the kiddos, the puppy, Zita, and me. It was taken just last month after my mom had come for a wonderful long visit. This is at the airport--saying Good-bye to Grandma.
Today, I had a doctor's appt with a new doctor. I haven't seen a male OB/Gyn since I was a teenager. 4 out of 5 of my kids (I sound like one of those toothpaste commercials!--"4 out of 5 dentists recommend......") were born with midwives. Anyways, he was a nice guy which was a nice surprise. I knew I was way overdue for an annual and with not having a real period for 10 weeks with no pregnancy and pain, I felt it was time to work up my guts and get to a doctor. Well, I have no vanity left, after having 5 babies, so the "getting undressed, put your feet in the stirrups, scooch to the end of the table" bit didn't bother me. The pelvic exam, however, did. OUCH!!
So, he found a mass on my left ovary--could be a cyst--could be a cyst --could just be cyst --keep repeating. I have another appointment, tomorrow. They are doing an ultrasound on me to figure things out better. I cried when he found whatever he found. Not only did it hurt, but I got scared. 5 little ones and my own mortality flashed before me. I apologized afterwards when we were in his office for the consult. He apologized for the pain, but I said that a lot of the tears were due to being a little freaked out about the whole situation. I told him that my grandma and gr.grandmother both died by 48 and my Aunt Nancy died at 51. All victims of cancer. They joke (or, rather used to joke before my aunt's short and tragic bout with cancer)--morbidly-about the "family curse". It took my aunt in under 3 weeks!! Everyone thought it would hit my mom, but she is a healthy (albeit some weird cancer scares) and active 65 year old who will outlive us all.
Has it hit me? Is this the beginning? What a dark question. I know God will take care of my children. I am not so vain as to believe that I am the only one who could raise my children well --although this is very hard to say as my own pride gets in the way. I pray everyday to be a good parent to my children. I ask for help in raising them so they will honor God with their very lives. I know that I will answer God and God alone at my end about the choices that I make for my family while I am here on Earth. Lord, please make me an instrument of Your work here on Earth. Help me to be worthy of the promises of Christ! Whatever part of my heart is not all for You, take it. I give it to you freely! I do pray that it be God's will that I be healthy so that I can raise these beautiful blessings.
I did have a little moment of anger in all of this. I was thinking, "What if instead of there being some kind of mystery mass, it had been found out that I was pregnant?" How would Chris' family have reacted?? Isn't it backwards and very very sad that I think they would rather hear that I had cancer than that I was pregnant with a sixth child. This thought makes me cry--not only for me but for my husband. God, please soften the hearts of my in-laws. Let them see these dear sweet children as the gifts from You that they are meant to be seen as!! AMEN!
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This post was the last post on the blog. It is from summer of 2007.
The mass? Well, yes, it was a cyst the size of a golfball- no lie!! It torqued my ovary a bit causing some really phenomenal pain, and then popped, causing even more phenomenal pain. I've had these a few timjes in my life. Sorry if all of that is TMI. I have tons of scarring on my left side from ovary to uterus to fallopian tube to goodness knows where else. Pelvic exams are always interesting. Pregnancies are always interesting.
So, what else was found on the ultrasound?? Well, now. That's the most interesting of all. I was trold that I was barren-- no lie! Whether temporarily or permanent, I had no measurable uteral lining. None. So, again, that was July.
Sean Kenneth was born in September 9, 2008! Guess I wasn't so barren afterall.
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