Light at the End of the Financial Tunnel

Sooooooo.... THAT was cathartic!

Telling the story of what happened to us regarding our house, credit, family, etc. starting in May of 2007 and ending with the bankruptcy in 2008 was easier to tell than I had thought it would be. Thank-you to everyone for the wonderful out-pouring of support and similar shared stories. I know we are not alone. It is a club I never thought I'd be a part of, but there are some pretty amazingly, faith-filled people in there with us. Everyone seems to be finding their way out of it or through it stronger. God is good.

We are recovering nicely, and budgeted insanely, but all in all in a better place now than we were 4 years ago, a year ago, a month ago, even a day ago. In fact, our bankruptcy, foreclosure fun is finally starting to not cause as many issues and day by day, our credit number is creeping in the right direction.

Maybe the reason that I can so freely tell all of this now is that 2 days ago, we found out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We've been pre-qualified for a home loan. YES! Can I just tell you how absolutely full of despair some moments and days of this last 4 years have been!? I felt we would never be able to own a home again, and even if we could, what we've been through has made me more than a little gun-shy.

The worst part of the last 4 years has been the renting with 6 kiddos. Every time a wall gets dinged or penned-up by the latest graffiti artist or a curtain rod bent or a window blind broken, I have felt near ulcer-like pains. I have felt such anxiety. I am not a good mom in a rental situation. My kids are not crazy or out of control. They are spirited like their parents, but for the most part they are normal, creative, wonderful kids.

I still remember the rental house we had before the house we built and lived in and lost. Cameron was a little guy of 6. He was trying to be like Daddy and fix things. He figured that meant hammers were good and put a hole straight into a bathroom door. I vowed in that moment to never rent again. I would have loved to have had a parenting moment that didn't include my stress about a landlord. I would have loved for that moment to have been just about the damage and the good intent gone wrong. I would have liked to have put a frame around that hole with the words, "Cameron's 6yr old attempt to fix the house". I would have left it as a constant reminder that even when we want to do our best we can foul it all up.

I've owned a home and lost a home and lived in two rental homes since that hammer in the door. Cameron is 13 now. That's a lot of moving, and I've grown weary of moving. My kids are weary of moving.

I think about how much my husband, Chris wanted that house for me and for our family. He wanted to do everything right. I had always told him that I wanted a little Cape Cod style house with just enough room for us to live in, a big kitchen for cooking, tons of books around me, and a giant garden. For him, he wanted to give me "big". 5 bedrooms on one level, an acre lot, a morning room, theater-sound-system in the family room, and my 2 person soaking tub. I do miss that tub. I loved that house, but never once did I need it. I think about the financial decisions that we have made with good intention that ended poorly. We're way more cautious and cash-based and careful now.

So, there's a light at the end of our financial tunnel. I'm more gun-shy than my husband who still so wants to do things right for his family and what he sees as "right" is a house where his wife doesn't have anxiety about potential hammers through bathroom doors. I can understand and appreciate that. I want that too. I just don't want to rush this. I want to make sure that we do things right- or as right as we can, this time.

I am praying and waiting and dreaming about it all. It is shiny and perfect in the planning and the intention. I pray that it is our final move. I'm tired of moving and feeling transitory and unable to fully unpack my life and stay. I want to know where I'll be buried and where my grandkids will come to see me. I want to plant a garden and be able to plan for the next year with what I learn from the current year. I want land more than a fancy house. I want a future and permanence and space just for us that I can call home and not have anxiety about it not being mine. I want to have friends that I can grow old with and remain goofy with while we drink alcohol and laugh loudly and share deeply at each-others' homes.

I pray and pray and pray and my list is long. But when I come to my prayers for me, they are simple. I just want a home, a permanent, lasting home.